Part 5: Interlude: Meet the Lads! Your 2013-2014 Tackleford City FC Facebook!

Interlude: Meet the Lads! Your 2013-2014 Tackleford City FC Facebook!

It's another exciting year here at the Fig Poll! New manager Scott Brown looks set to take the Lads back to glory! With a whole new squad and our owner chomping at the bit to bring home to bacon, we're ready to take the Skrill North division by storm! Follow it all in the Number One Magazine South of Leeds and North of Barnsely, the Football Monthly!



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Alex Hester
Position: Striker
Age: 23
Coaches Quote: “Slower than molasses on a cold day.”
Favorite Member of One Direction: Zane Malik


Ally McLaren
Position: Central Defender
Age: 24
Likes: Heading the ball.
Dislikes: Kicking the ball.


Andrew Carr
Position: Defensive Midfielder
Age: 22
Last Police Interaction: ASBO for practicing tackles on old ladies.


Anth Hotte
Position: Left Back
Age: 32
Hobbies: Reading Sartre, wallowing in existential woe.


Billy Holsgrove
Position: Left Winger
Age: 24
Best Feature: “My hair, obviously.”


Bobby Oriogun
Position: Striker
Age: 19
Appellation: Bobby Flamboyant


Chris Burns
Position: Central Defender
Age: 19
Favorite Malcolm in the Middle Character: Dewey


Cyrus Rosetti
Position: Striker
Age: 21
Quote: “The minute my contract is up I am fucking out of here.”


Dave Stamp
Position: Midfielder
Age: 21
Favorite show: Gilmore Girls
How he bonded with Coach Brown: Watching Gilmore Girls, despairing over Rory's taste in men.


Dax Terry
Position: Attacking Midfielder
Age: 19
Plans after football: Waste Management.


Derek McLaughlin
Position: Goalkeeper
Age: 19
Best Feature: “Billy Holsgrove's hair, obviously.”


Jim McCarron
Position: Right Winger
Age: 31
Second Job: Babysitter


John Bradley
Position: Goalkeeper
Age: 21
His Normal Friday Night: “Putting on my eyeshadow and listening to My Chemical Romance. Those guys just get me!”


Josh Milner
Position: Central Defender
Age: 18
Wages: £180/wk
Hair Care Expenses: £100/wk


Oliver Johnston
Position: Defensive Midfielder
Age: 33
Most embarrassing secret: “I thought they were calling me ginger because I was spicy!”


Orson Duchamps
Position: Attacking Midfielder
Age: 19
Biggest Fear: Falling satellites.


Paul Gallagher
Position: Attacking Midfielder
Age: 19
Quote: “Sometimes me and Tommy [Casey] pretend to be each other. It's a real larf, except when he banged my girlfriend.”


Sam Edwards
Position: Fullback
Age: 30
Claim to fame: First signing by new manager!


Sammy Oliver
Position: Right Back
Age: 18
On loan from parent club MK Dons.


Stefan Robinson
Position: Striker
Age: 17
Coaches Quote: “Holy shit, how did this kid sign with us?!”


Tommy Casey
Position: Right Winger
Age: 23
Voted Hottest In Class, 2008

Bonus! Stephan Robinson's Scouting report!



Those are very good technical and decent mental stats for a striker. Unfortunately, he's got very little by way of physical gifts. I expect him to play above his rating until we hit League One, though, simply because of how good he is technically and mentally compared to the competition. If he develops on the physical side, he'll be a great prospect, but my scouts say he won't ever be much more than a good League 2 player. As is he'll make a good strike partner for Rosetti, at least when he gets back from his current knee strain injury in six to eight weeks.

Next update won't be for a week or so, probably. I'm off to see Ian McKellen and Sir Pat Stew on Broadway and then stalking them until they adopt me.